The Expectations that Limit You
- are you aware of the expectations that limit you?
- are those limits acceptable?
how to identify your expectations.
It’s not always clear what your expectations are. They are something we live with constantly, so they have become very normal to us. In other words, they don’t stand out to us. They are not special. They don’t seem outrageous or consequential. At some point in the past, we arrived at the expectations we hold by some form of (hopefully) logical reasoning based on an estimation of the environment we live in. They are sneaky things, and to capture them, and observe them under a microscope, can be tricky.
I found two methods that help: 1) is by hearing your own opinion on a variety of common topics {health, wealth, career, academics, dating, or any other thing we keep as a desire} and 2) is listening to when you say “I can’t”.
- Note: naturally, listening to when you say “I can” will also reveal an expectation you hold, but those ones are positive. It’s the negative/limiting, ones we should examine.
Since I’m not you, and can’t listen to what you (or in your case, “I”) say, I’ll use an example.
example.
One day in mid February, I was at a friend’s house in Milpitas CA fixing my car. These days are always fun because it’s not just me and my fiancé working on our car, not just our friend working on his car, but some other person also working on their car. In the case of this particular day, it was our other friend you don’t know.
Inevitably, an “hour long” job gets done over the course of an entire day, then the lights come on. Finally, you’re done your car so you help others with theirs. When all is done, and everyone gives up, you inevitably end in a beer circle talking about cars.
This particular night’s topic of conversation concerned the struggle between wanting to spend money on cars, and keeping it in the bank. It was some point in the conversation when my one friend rips out a comment that struck me like a sack of bricks.
He stood in front of me, on top of a hill in Milpitas, with Tesla over his right shoulder and Google, Facebook, Microsoft, and Apple over his left. He says:
“I’m already making more money than I ever [expected], so I’m going to keep spending…”
my one friend
What was so casual to him was in violent disagreement with my belief of the essence of the place we live. Silicon Valley is the frontier. There’s an unlimited variety of an abundant opportunities. There is the first and most obvious variety; open positions at established companies. But the more subtle variety is found in the people that inhabit this place – there are so many smart and ambitious people. Finding someone with complimentary chemistry is most likely to happen here. Finding that chemistry can create the wealth that draws people here (the hundreds of billions made by Silicon Valley super-stars).
And yet, my friend is standing in front of me, on top of a hill in Milpitas, with Tesla over his right shoulder, Google, Facebook, Microsoft, and Apple over his left, and he looks at me and says, “I’m making more money than I ever [expected] to make, so I’m just going to start spending” with a tone that confirms to me, he is satisfied with his work and now he will rest.
- ([expected] was actually “thought I would”)
my grief.
I realize now, after trying to write this article three times, that as long as he finds his expectation acceptable, then I have no grief. But the grief I do have, which I could not quite put into words until now, is that I’m not sure he even realizes his expectation limits him and, if he does not, how many opportunities he will miss if that is the case.
To me, his exposition was so forcefully astounding because of the paradox of the stage. We are children, standing in the presence of giants, saying, “that’s enough”.
To me, it’s analogous to spending all the effort traveling to Egypt, just to see the pyramids from the airport. It’s like going to a concert, to then walk out as curtains open. It’s like eating McDonald’s, inside the Reading terminal market. Or watching, live stream on your phone, the game you’re attending. It’s like sleeping on the floor, right next to the bed. YOU ARE ALREADY THERE. THE OPPORTUNITY FOR SOMETHING BETTER IS RIGHT THERE. LITTLE, IF ANY, EXTRA EFFORT WILL GET YOU SOMETHING SO MUCH GREATER. SO MUCH MORE AUTHENTIC. SO MUCH MORE VALUEABLE. SO MUCH MORE UNIQUE. SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING. ITS RIGHT THERE. That’s what I wanted to say to my friend.
My grief is the fear that he settled. That he settled for something lesser when there is so much more. With little-to-no-more effort, he could have what is more, but is satisfied with less. All because of an expectation that blinds him to the abundant opportunities that aren’t only present when he leaves his apartment to go to work in the morning, but also ooze from every keyboard and computer screen – millions of people packed into thirty radial miles waiting to connect and make the world an even more magnificent place.
take away.
Take note of the limits your expectations make you believe about your career, your happiness, your abilities, your intelligence, your confidence, and any other precious possession you own. Every once in a while, examine your expectations. Look for the ones that limit you to something lesser when something greater is available for the same investment of time, energy, creativity, effort, money, etc. If you find yourself in alignment with the conditions of that limit, nothing needs to change; if you are not, have what is better.
